Itching For Ink

So like most 18 year old kids, I got a tattoo shortly after my 18th birthday. Smoking wasn't really my thing, so I thought I'd try something I might actually like. A couple (painful) hours later, I ended up with a permanent scar. I got an outline of a heart with the word "Dream" written next to it. I danced for 12 years at a studio back home, so it was my main passion, hobby, love, etc. "Dream" was the title of the song for my senior solo that I performed at my final recitals. It's pretty much the last time I danced hardcore, and every time I think of it I have mixed emotions of sadness and happiness. Did I forget to mention that I got this tattoo on my left ribs. If you've never gotten a tattoo before, putting your first one where there are lots of bones is not the best idea. It hurt like a bitch! I wanted to pull my hair out, dig my nails deep into my palms, but I did NOT cry. That was my goal, no matter how much it hurt, I was NOT going to cry! Ever since then, I've been craving new ink. It is an addiction. And the worst part is that I cannot for the life of me remember what it felt like to be tattooed! I think that is the part that scares me the most. I've had several ideas floating around in my head about what I'd like to get done next. The only thing that stands in my way is money, time and commitment. I've always wanted to add onto the tattoo I already have cause it's so bare, and just an outline. I was thinking of possibly having some Pointe shoes dangling from the heart, in order to keep in with the dance theme. I've also wanted to get words written on my arm somewhere. "Who You Are" It's just a song (by Jessie J) and phrase that I want and try to live by every day, and I think permanently etching it into my skin would remind me of my goal. My best friend, Jake, and I have always loved peacock feathers. I mean, who doesn't? Peacocks are beautiful majestic creatures. So I kind of want to get a peacock feather to symbolize my friendship, and they always remind me of my grandparents out in Montana. They always have peacocks just hanging around the ranch.

These are just a few peacock feather tattoos that I've found online that I like. I'm a big fan of color and these are my favorite colors all in one place.

And since I'm such a sucker for symbolism and whatnot, I've been thinking of getting the sign for faith, charity and hope. Which is a combination of a cross, heart and anchor. 

It'd be something like this, but with a WAY cooler anchor! I really like the old antiquey look of some anchor tattoos. So these are just some things that have been on my mind lately, plus I could go for a little self inflicted pain right about now.

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

The One That Got Away

Lately I've been listening to a lot of down home country, and one of those artists is Jake Owen. He's got a song called "The One That Got Away."

She was the one that got away

The one that wrecked my heart

I should've never let her go

I should've begged her to stay

She was the one that got away

I've decided that I haven't had a guy that's been "the one that got away." So I'm going to keep it that way. If anything, I'm going to be the girl that got away. One day they'll look back and see what they missed out on. I don't mean to sound cocky or full of myself, if anything it's confidence. I know that I'm beautiful, smart, funny and creative. I have learned to know my strengths, good traits, and the bad. Everyone should know all of the good things about themselves and embrace them! People nowadays seem to focus on all of the bad things about themselves. How they look, what they can't do, all of the negative things that could possibly go wrong. Why? Why focus on the bad things? Why would you want to bring yourself down? I've been trying to live my life differently lately. I'm trying to have a positive outlook on life, trying to see the good in everything. Instead of picking on all of the negative aspects about myself, I just see myself as a beautiful woman. Like Jessie J says in her song "Who You Are": I stare at my reflection in the mirror, Why am I doing this to myself? Losing my mind on a tiny error, I nearly left the real me on the shelf. Believe in yourself, you are beautiful in every single way, you just need to see what other people can. There are a lot of people out there with ugly souls, only caring about themselves and trying to get ahead in life. Live your life differently, be beautiful inside and out. Be the one that got away, don't worry, someday he'll regret his decision. And you'll be living your own love song with someone that deserves you. :)

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

God Gave Me You

"God Gave Me You" is a great song by Blake Shelton. Now most people would consider the person he's talking about to be a lover, but whenever I hear this song, I think of my sister.

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

I vaguely remember the day my sister was born, I was 2 (almost 3) and I came with my grandparents. That is literally all I remember of that day, but hey, I consider that a pretty good memory for being about 18 years old! I would only assume that I would've had mixed emotions about this brand new baby: Yay I got a little baby sister, WTF why isn't the attention on me anymore, who the crap is this kid, etc. Little did I know, that was one of the most awesome days of my life. I got to play the role of the older sister, getting her to do things she shouldn't/normally wouldn't, getting her in trouble, hugging and kissing her when the moment was right (usually when a camera was around!). When we were younger, we always used to fight. It wasn't until around my senior year/the summer after that we got to be really close. All I can say is that I wish this would've happened sooner, because she is AMAZING, and I love her so so soooooo much!!! I honestly didn't even know her very well until that point. It's a wonder what can be hidden behind closed doors. 

She is my rock, my inspiration, my everything. When I have news, or troubles, I go to her. I can tell her anything and everything and know that she will not judge me like everyone else would. She will love me unconditionally. She has been through many tough times so far. She's had a crazy ex boyfriend, she (to this very day) gets made fun of and teased at school, and dealt with many internal problems that most teenage girls face. But what makes me so proud of her is that she's been able to hold her head high through everything, giving a silent (and sometimes not so silent) fuck you to the people making their judgments. She is gorgeous, she is athletic (most likely playing college volleyball next year), she is smart, she is funny (in the way that she can laugh at herself, which just makes you love her more), and she has the biggest heart of anyone that I know! **So I'd just like to add a little side note to any and everyone that has ever had shit to say about her: you may know her name, but you sure as hell don't know her. If you did, you wouldn't be talking shit. Seriously, that bullshit is for petty middle schoolers with no lives. Grow up. She's going to go on to accomplish great things, and karma is going to come back and kick you right in the testicles.**

She may be my sister, but she's the best sister that I could've ever asked for! She's a friend, therapist, and comedian all in one. I honestly do not know what I would do without her. Life would suck more balls than it currently does (and that's pretty shitty giving my 2011 could possibly be the WORST YEAR EVER). I just want her to know how amazing she is!!! If I could, I'd scream it on the rooftops: MORGAN CHRISTINE PERRY IS ONE OF THE BEST FUCKING PEOPLE OUT THERE AND EVERYONE SHOULD LOVE HER!!!! LOVE HER LONG TIME!!! She will be turning 18 in less than a month, and that scares the crap out of me (can't imagine how my parents feel)! I remember when she used to play dress up with me, we even did a few make up sessions (which did NOT turn out well, mother should've known better than to let us have make up). I remember her little "fangs" that she used to have to wear. I remember her first Homecoming (my last). I remember her first boyfriend (thank God he's gone...sorry haha). I remember her getting her license (still holding the fact that she passed the first time over my head). I've missed a lot over the past years here at college, but that doesn't mean that it didn't crush me to miss it. But I was definitely there in spirit!! I'll always be your personal cheerleader (but remember, the only cheerleader I would ever be is a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, otherwise lets just call it a spirit motivator)!!

So Morgan, whenever you are doubting your abilities to do things or deal with things, just know that I believe in you. I believe that you can do anything you set your mind to! You have the capability to change the world and you don't even know it. Don't let anyone make you think you are anything less than what you are, which is spectacular! I love you so much!! I wish nothing more than to see you happy, in EVERYTHING you do. Never doubt yourself. (Also, I'm not the favorite. I guess it's a "tie", Mom even said so.) God gave me you :)

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride

I find it extremely odd that I obsess about everything to do with weddings, yet I absolutely cannot picture myself getting married. Don't get me wrong, I can tell you exactly what my wedding will look like, but at this point there is no groom in the picture. I've dabbled in several areas of the industry from apparel to floral design to cake making, and I've always told myself that if I were somehow involved in this industry, I would live a happy life. I would actually look forward to going to my job every single day because it was about a subject that intrigues me. But you can't exactly major in "weddings." IF ONLY! Last year I was an apparel design major, and my main goal was to become a bridal designer. I (and several other people) thought that would be the perfect career option for me. I could be as creative as I wanted, use my immense sewing skills, and be part of every bride's big day (the most important part in my opinion). My cousin and I have always wanted to make cakes, so we finally experimented with fondant and made this pretty baby blue fondant, chocolate cake. It was DELICIOUS!!! The fondant was marshmallow flavored and the cake was fantastic! We also made a cute little bow out of the fondant! And finally, I've been taking a floral class this semester. It all started out pretty awesome, getting to make and take floral arrangements home every week. But now it's just becoming a hassle to go to class and carry everything on the bus. The part of class I did enjoy was anything that had to do with making stuff for proms or weddings. All of the intricate work with wiring, taping and perfect placement, I just absolutely loved it! It's things like that, that make me feel like I belong in the wedding industry! Right now I'm seriously considering Retail Merchandising as a major, mostly because it'll get me out of this place in about 2 years rather than 4, but also because it's a business fashion degree that I can work with! It's also a little bit because one of my dream jobs would be to work at Kleinfeld's in New York!!!! So anyways, that was a little background on my interest in the industry.

I have my wedding all planned out, as crazy as it sounds. But you don't become a severe wedding enthusiast without picturing what your wedding will look like! I've got everything from the dress, flowers, bridesmaids dresses, decor, etc picked out (or at least visualized in my head). I get so excited when I think about weddings and that two people are joining in a union, such a sacred union. It's really beautiful to think about. Two people have found each other, they've made it through all of the obstacles and are still willing to put up with each other for the rest of their lives. Right now I'd just be thinking BALL AND FRIGGIN' CHAIN MAN!! (Anyone catch the She's the Man reference there?) I'm just not ready to be "tied down" to someone right now. I've realized there are so many things that I want to do with my life, travel, live in different states, see so many different things, that I'd just be dragging someone along with me while I realized all of my dreams. But I would appreciate it if many of my friends would start getting married so I can be in weddings, go to weddings, help plan weddings!!! JUST FULFILL MY WEDDING DREAMS ALREADY! But until the day that I say "I do" I'll just be enjoying my life, hopefully spreading joy to other people and their dreams.

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Setting Your Own Expectations

Lately I've realized that I need to stop trying to be the person everyone else thinks I should be. All my life I've tried to do the very best, I've tried to accomplish it all, I just wanted to make people proud of me. At the time, these people were my parents, grandparents, family members. To this day, I try to make my parents proud, making decisions and doing things that they can feel proud to tell other people. I was hanging out with my parents and some of my parents friends one night and my mom's friend told me that my mother never has anything bad to say about me. I had mixed feelings about this. In a way, I'm glad that my mom is proud of me, but at the same time I feel like I should have disappointed them at some point. Now if I screw up, it's going to be harder to deal with. Cause I'm the good child, I get good grades, I attend the University of Minnesota, I rarely drink, I work in my spare time, it would be unspeakable for me to do anything out of the ordinary. I'm 20 years old, and I'm still worried about what my parents think about me and what they think I should be doing with my life. I depend on them to reassure me that I'm doing what I should do, that I'm living my life right. Part of me would love to be completely independent of my parents, but another part of me knows that I should lean on them as long as it's possible. One day they will let me go on my own, then I'll be completely in charge, making every decision for myself, but until then I just need to slowly work at gaining my independence. I have a job that I found myself, worked hard at, and eventually got promoted. My parents would prefer that I don't have a job while in school, but the extra money helps and I'm also learning valuable life lessons. I'm a shift supervisor at a Caribou Coffee, I'm learning more and more about independence, doing things on my own and realizing that I can actually do things by myself. That and the fact that I must be doing something right, cause they haven't fired me yet! I love my parents soooo much, and I appreciate everything that they do for me, but it's getting to the point of where I'm going to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. I keep telling my mom that I don't want to be "stuck" here. She didn't like it so much when I used the word stuck. But that's exactly how I feel. If I were to get a job (an actual career) here, or even find someone that I liked, I wouldn't get to travel or live in different places like I plan on doing as of now. I want to move down south, travel the country, heck I'd love to even leave the states for awhile!! Which brings me to the second half of my "setting your own expectations" schpeel.

I am literally scared to death of finding someone that I might actually like, let alone someone that would like me back. I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time, I have absolutely no clue how to even go on a date, or act around guys at all. I've mostly been strung up on my ex. We broke up for obvious reasons, but I keep getting hung up on the "what if" and "what could've been." It's so hard to picture yourself in someones life, in someones future, and then realize that you will never be in that vision at all. We've been playing this game where we won't talk to each other for months, and then we'll start talking again. Then we'll see each other, have a good time, and then go back to not talking. At this point, that is the kind of "relationship" that I can handle. One that doesn't really exist. Although I'm having such a hard time with this idea. The idea that someone can be attracted to me, enjoy my company, but not want anything more than the occasional hang out. It makes me question everything. Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough? Am I not funny enough? Am I not thin enough? Why am I not enough for him to actually want to be with me?! Recently I've come to the conclusion that I can't do this to myself. I am enough. I am more than enough. Hell, he will not find a girl that is a package quite like me: beautiful, smart, talented, bodacious. He is the one that isn't willing to realize his feelings, and he is the one that is willing to let me just walk out the door every single time. If he is stupid enough to let me go, then I have to be smart enough not to go back. I will find Mr. Right someday, but when that day comes, I'm not going to be worrying about being enough for him. I'm just gonna focus on being myself, and just letting myself laugh, love and live!

You have to learn to love yourself before anyone can learn to love you. You can't go around living life on someone elses expectations. You have to set your own goals, and figure out what exactly you're wanting out of life. Right now I'm not worrying about anyone else besides myself. Yes, might be a little selfish, but I can't help other people until I help myself. Once I get my stuff figured out, then I can go around sharing the love and joy that is inside me. :) Just remember, you ARE enough. Even when you don't think so, I KNOW so.

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Hopeless Romantic...Looking For Some Hope

I had an epiphany while I was just in the shower! I know, kind of strange place to have an epiphany...but it happened anyways. I always listen to music/sing while I'm in the shower. And lately I've been listening to this playlist of songs that are slow/sad/beautifully happy. Well anyways, they make you think. So I came to this realization that I'm ONLY 20 years old (that's right, my life isn't even a quarter over yet) and there is no reason why I should feel rushed to find this magical, fairytale-like love. In the meantime, I'm going to find people that have the kind of love that I'd like to find. I want to know their story. How they met, what made them fall in love, how they knew that this was the person that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with, etc. I want to record this information, heck maybe even make a book out of it one day. But I'll just take it one step at a time, see how this thing turns out. Even though I'm not in love, or have I ever had the kind of love that I want to find one day, it brings so much joy to my heart to see two people that do. I love to see other people in love, mostly because it gives me hope that one day I'll find someone that will make me feel that way. So if anyone knows of any couples out there that fit this sort of love, send them my way, cause I'd like to know their story!!

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye

I'm pretty sure that sex is on girls minds, just as much (if not more) as it is on guys minds. Honestly, I think about it a lot. And it also tends to be the topic of many conversations between my friends and I. I believe that sex can just be sex, just an act between two people satisfying a carnal need. But at the same time, I believe that sex can be this beautiful scene between two people, so passionately in love with each other. I've had it both ways, and honestly the second way is the best way. I keep running back to my ex, for sex, to be wanted, to be needed, to just share what we both had at one time. I do still have feelings for him, but I've realized until we both are willing to accept how we feel about each other, and until we're both willing to make adjustments and sacrifices for each other, we will never work out. But the one thing we knew how to do was "make love." As corny as that sounds!! I've been listening to Luke Bryan a lot lately and there is this one song that fits my situation perfectly, "Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye". 

All we do right is make love
We both know now that ain’t enough
Ain’t gonna beg you to stay
Ain't gotta ask you what's wrong
Ain’t no reason running after something already gone
Take off your leavin' dress
Let’s do what we do best
I guess everybody’s got their way of moving on
Girl rest your head one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me
And you didn’t have to try
Let’s lay down tonight
And kiss tomorrow goodbye

 

We can't talk our feelings out, so we just act on how we feel. And we've been doing this for about 3 years now, but I'm not sure I can do it much longer. I can't be the only one showing my emotions, I can't be the only one trying to share some love. All a girl really wants is to be loved back, and that's the truth. Which is why I've gone to other people, trying to get some attention, trying to get a little love. But all I ended up with was a little lovin ;) Not that it was a horrible situation, just not exactly what I want. 

 

My sister keeps telling me that I need to open up and keep an open mind when it comes to guys. I need to take away all of my standards and expectations, cause that may be holding me back from someone that could be right in front of me. I understand this, but at the same time I'm too scared to open up and let myself be vulnerable to someone like that. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to cry anymore. But I am trying...I'm trying to not be so closed off to people. I just think it all had to start with letting someone else go. You can't always get things to work out how you want them to. But that's the beauty of life, whenever something doesn't work out, life twists and turns and creates a whole new situation. One that may be better than you ever could've expected. So right now I'm just going to try to go with the flow and wait for my better ending. 

 

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are 

Sleepless Nights

Ever had those nights where you just can't seem to get to sleep? Or maybe you were finally getting to sleep and someone woke you up. Well tonight is just one of those nights where I had a hard time getting to sleep, so I put a little music on to try and lull myself to sleep. It worked. Temporarily. My heart was racing, my mind just wouldn't shut off, but music seems to have a positive effect on my sleep habits. Until I was so rudely awakened. Now I lie in my bed, with only 3 and a half more hours left to sleep, and I'm wide awake. They say don't go to bed angry, well I won't be able to sleep all night, cause I'm fucking angry. Pissed off, annoyed, hurt. Even when you think that one person will always be there for you no matter what, don't believe it. Something is going to fuck it up eventually. They'll screw up. You'll screw up. Some bitch will come in and screw it up. Might as well get used being alone and on your own, cause nobody is going to be there for you but yourself.

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Keepin' It Country

I come from a small town of around 1,700 people. So I'm used to everyone knowing everyone, the countryside views, actually being able to see the stars at night, and small town gossip. I liked growing up in a small town, cause it was nice living in a close-knit community. It also makes me appreciate my family and all the opportunities that they have provided for me. I've been able to play whatever sport I wanted to play, be in whatever club I wanted to participate in. I danced at a studio for about 12 years, not something that you think a small town would have! I even became the Queen of our town, Miss Osseo 2007 :) I've been able to travel and see different communities, states (still working on the countries thing though). All of these things were made possible because of my parents and grandparents, etc.

I tend to daydream a lot. Mostly about different scenarios, and what sort of future I could possibly have. One thought that I think about sometimes is where I'm going to end up settling down. Will I end up in a big city, suburb, small town? And then I think about how I was raised...I think that raising a family in either a small town or suburb is a great idea. It's just the fact that I'm not going to be the only one to worry about my child. In a smaller community, it definitely is a community effort in raising kids. Everyone cares about other peoples well being. I want to be able to have kids knowing that my community is going to care what happens to them. A community that wants them to succeed and do well in their endeavors. Plus I've also pictured my perfect home quite a few times. Similar to The Notebook's final house, a house on the water, with a wrap around porch, but I'd like it to be really homey and decorated with all of those cheesy quote signs everywhere. Somewhere I can cuddle up on the porch swing with my husband, staring at the stars, while our kids are all safe and tucked in bed. So in conclusion, I want my life to be like a sappy romance movie. A girl can dream, dream as big as her heart and mind let her!

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Dear John

So I just got done watching Dear John, cause I'm a sappy McSappypants, and for like 75% of the movie I'm smiling and doing the little "AWWWWW's," then for the other 25% I'm thinking "Hey Savannah, why are you such a FUCKTARD!?" Like I understand it a little, but for the most part, why would you put your own happiness to the side, and ruin some guy's life, just to help out a sick friend with a kid?! How about you DON'T marry that other guy, but you still help him out and then take care of the kid later? That way, you and John can live happily ever after from the start! Then again, it wouldn't be a true romance if somebody didn't get their heart broken a few times along the way. Isn't that how it always goes? So in order to get my happily ever after I'm going to have to have my heart broken repeatedly until somebody comes to save me from it? Sounds like a whole lot of work just to find my Prince Charming.

Anyways, for the other 75% of the movie I was just thinking, "Hey, it sure would be nice to find somebody that loved me that much." I would like to love again, even better, I would like to be loved again. Always having this person on your mind. Putting a smile on your face every time you think of them (even without you knowing, those are the BEST ones!). Someone who notices the little things you do or say. Someone who you fall asleep with every night, holding you close, never wanting to let go (Although I'm not so much a cuddly sleeper. I like to cuddle, just not while I sleep). Someone who can kiss you so deeply and passionately at times that the whole world stops, yet at the same time they can just give you a few quick smooches and still make your heart flutter. I want the romance, the connection, and faith in knowing that this person will not want to leave my side, because they LOVE ME BACK. Somehow, someday, I'll find my John.

P.S. "Paperweight" by Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk is a great song from the movie!!!

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Numb. Scared. Empty.

So lately I have been feeling so much pain, that I've just become numb to everything. I can't get mad, sad, happy, excited. I just don't feel anymore. I would really like to be genuinely happy for once in my life. The last time I can remember that I was genuinely happy was back in April. I got a special visit from someone that is near and dear to my heart. Just a text from him would make me instantly smile.

At the same time, I've been screwed over by so many guys that it's hard for me to trust any of them. I know I should be more open, but it's just difficult once you've put your heart out there and it gets stomped on time and time again. I'm more scared to have an actual relationship. I haven't been in a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in over 2 years. I'm not sure I'd even know how to be a girlfriend. I'm really independent, so it's more difficult for me to think of this other person 24/7. I just want someone that shares the same need for passion. I need to feel wanted, loved, appreciated. I'm not asking for a lot. But I am asking for a little time and understanding.

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Little Miss I'll Take Less

When I always give so much more....

I've always been one of those people that likes to give everything they have. I was taught to love and share. Sometimes I'm just too nice, or I hold on a tad too much. Is it so bad to want to be loved or have feelings/actions reciprocated? I'm the girl that will always be there for you in a jam. I'm the one that will sneak out of her house at 4am just to come get you. I'm the one that will put her feelings aside and help you out talking to another girl (that one is just because I'm stupid). I'm the one that will carve time out of my busy schedule just to see you, just to get stood up in the end. I'm the one that constantly thinks about you, just hoping that maybe I'm on your mind.

I think loyalty, trustworthiness, kindness are just a few traits that I look for in friends and guys. I consider myself a decent human being. I will be more than willing to help a person out. Lately I feel like I've been taken advantage of by several different people. I just want to be appreciated. I'm not saying that every time I do something good I get a gold medal or anything. It would just be nice to hear a simple thank you, or I love you, or you really mean a lot to me, every now and then. Cause one day I'm not going to be there. When I grow some balls, I won't be there every second, of every day just at your disposal. If I don't feel that you are reciprocating any effort into our relationship, there is a very good chance that I'll make a change. A change that excludes you from my life. I'm sick of taking less. I deserve more. Or at least I think I deserve more. I've had a difficult time with not feeling like enough. Not pretty enough. Not funny enough. Not smart enough. Not skinny enough. Not entertaining enough. I've just felt like I don't deserve to live a happily ever after life.

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Footprints On The Heart

Do you ever have those people that seem to make a difference in your life? It could be good or bad. But for some reason, you want to keep the ones that keep hurting you? I've had a couple of these before, but none as hard to get away from than the one with my ex. I've grown strong throughout the past few years, so I can let go of someone if I can see that they are just using my relationship to their advantage, or just talking to me when it's convenient for them. For some reason, I just cannot let this boy go! We technically dated for about 3-4 months, but we've been doing this "dance" for the past 3 years. We will go months without talking and then all of a sudden I'll get a text from him because he was reminded of me. And then I'll text him randomly because I heard a song we used to like. It's mainly confusing because every time we leave each other (after hanging out), we leave it on very vague terms. Like we aren't together, but we can still talk to each other and do stuff together, it just won't be for awhile. I guess you could say that we've built a friendship, but does that really work? Can exes really be friends with each other afterward? But even some of the stuff that is sent back and forth, it's like flirty, not just any normal friend texting. I don't know, I guess this relationship just confuses me more than anything else. Sometimes I daydream about the past, or the could have been. But then I remember the reasons why he irritates me, and why we aren't together. It's a lose-lose thought process and I'm not sure why I do it. But I can't help it. I loved him dearly, and honestly I still care about him.

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

DON'T TOUCH MY SHIT

So I have this thing where I don't like people touching or moving my stuff. Every single roommate that I've had, has done this. And EVERY SINGLE TIME it pisses me off! Seriously, is it really that bothersome that you have to literally move my shit ALL THE TIME!!!??? I don't do laundry all that often, so when I do, I have a lot. I had clothes in the dryer and in the washer, and I left for work for 3 hours and came home and both of my loads of laundry were in the dryer and dried. The problem with this is that the load I had in the washer was NOT supposed to go in the dryer!!!! Why? Why? WHY?! WTF. Who does this?! So just a warning: DON'T TOUCH MY SHIT!!!!! Or I will most likely flip the fuck out! Bitch.

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Little Miss One Big Mess

I'm pretty sure most people can relate when I say that I have been one big hot mess before! Lately I've turned into a huge mess. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle it. This is also the year of the 21st birthdays, so I've been going out and getting pretty shitty at least once a weekend.

Last weekend was probably the worst. We had some friends over for a good time. Tried Jeremiah Weed Sweet Tea vodka for the first time. MY NEW FAVORITE DRINK! We also played Drunk Ball. It's a very tricky game, especially if you're the one that keeps winning. The goal of the game is to be the first team with your beers gone. This objective is not very favorable if you are the champion of drunk ball and have to work the next day!

So that leads off to the rest of my weekend. I worked 1-8 at Caribou on Saturday. It was absolutely horrible! I'm almost positive that I went into work still a little drunk. I had severely burnt my elbow the night before, and just kept burning my hands at work. Eventually I slammed my thumb into a cupboard and that is where I had had enough of that shitty day.  My shift supervisor, Nick, was being really nice. Helping me do thing, making processes easier. He checked on my thumb and at one point he awkwardly tried to comfort me by putting both of his arms on my shoulders (seeming to want to give me a hug, but not thinking that I'd be okay with it) and telling me that I'd be alright. And after I was all done counting down my drawer he came to check on me. He asked if I was going to be okay. It was really sweet, and I appreciated it very much! Although I nearly broke down into tears, but I just saved that for the car ride home instead. I'm not entirely sure how I ended up crying, but once I started, I couldn't get it to stop. I put in A Walk To Remember, so I'd have a legit reason to be crying. It didn't stop until like 2am. You could tell the next day, because my eyes were puffier than ever! Did a little retail therapy the next day to ease the pain.

So there you have it, I break down into one big mess for reasons I'm unaware of.

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Little Miss Checkered Dress

I'm just going to use this one as an excuse to talk about my love/addiction to fashion!! Of course like any girl I have a love for clothes, makeup and SHOES!!! My weaknesses are dresses, shoes and Sephora. I will literally walk into Sephora for no reason and end up walking out with a purchase. I gravitate towards dresses of every kind, if I weren't so lazy, I'd wear them every single day!! I will also just go into DSW to just browse and see if they've gotten anything new in.

Lately I've gotten into the bad habit of buying (or at least window shopping) designer brands. Just this past Sunday I bought Vera Wang's "Lovestruck" perfume! Smells absolutely fabulous if y'all want to check it out! I went into the Puma store just to browse, but couldn't pass up the 30% off deal!!! And if my addiction to shoes wasn't clear before, I shall share my dream shoes with you.

Jimmy Choo's $1852.00

Soooooo sparkly!!!! If you could fall in love and marry an object, I'd marry these shoes! I also went into the new Vera Bradley store at MOA. Almost bought a lanyard, just so I could say that I owned Vera Bradley! THERE ARE SOOOOOO MANY DESIGNERS THAT I LOVE:

BETSEY JOHNSON

VERA WANG

PNINA TORNAI

ALEXANDER MCQUEEN

JIMMY CHOO

AND THE LIST GOES ON....

I'm a really big fan of bridal designers. If I could wear a wedding dress everyday I'd be so happy! All I want to do is be involved in the wedding industry! It'd make me ecstatic!! Although it's strange that I can't picture myself getting married. But I guess a few wise words from JLO would go "Those who don't wed, plan!" :) If you ever want to talk about weddings or designers, I'M THERE!!!

Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Little Miss I'll Get Tough

(Don't you worry 'bout me anymore.)

I guess you could say I'm "tough." I've been told several times that people were scared of me when we first met (not sure I necessarily consider that a good thing). I can definitely be a bitch when I want to be, when I have to be, and sometimes without even knowing it. Sometimes (well most of the time) I put up a guard. I'm more one of those people who keeps their feelings inside, until I reach a breaking point and can't handle it anymore.

When I was growing up, I was taught to respect others, work hard at everything I do and I'll be rewarded eventually. And lets just be honest, I've been pretty spoiled by my parents (and grandparents). This might sound really great, but it'd brought on some bad habits and attitudes. I have a shopping problem. Whenever I go to a mall or store, I will leave with something. I haven't been financially conscious either. Not until this last year have I actually been worried about money. I've been trying to "cut myself off" from my parents. I don't take money from them unless I'm in a real bind, and even then I pay them back. I'm working on breaking away, so when I am in the real world, I won't come home crying to my parents because I can't do it. I love my family to death, but it's time to only be spoiled a couple times a year (birthdays and holidays are acceptable).

I've also been guarded in love. I'm just sick of boys that pretend to be men. I'll admit that I rarely five a guy a fighting chance. I have high standards and I know what I want, so it makes things difficult. But it's not that hard to be a decent guy, most just choose not to be one! So if a guy wants me, he's gonna have to do better than "Baby girl you's looking so fine!" I KNOW. Try telling me something that gonna get my attention for once!

xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Little Miss I Give Up

I give up. I give up on love. I give up on school. I give up on my future. I give up on a daily exercise and nutrition plan. Basically I've given up on myself. Lately I've just been run down (more like beaten down) and just don't give a shit. Like I wrote before, love isn't exactly on my radar these days. I've had trouble with guys that persistently pursue me and then just all of a sudden change their minds. This is only going to make me think that my personality sucks and I'm not worth the wait. School has been rough this whole past year. I started out my freshman year not knowing what the hell I wanted to do. Then I got into the College of Design my sophomore year and studied apparel design. Then in May I had a portfolio review to see if I'd make it into the actual major, just to find out I wasn't one of the lucky few to continue on. I basically avoided the whole subject because it would just bring me to tears EVERY single time I thought about it. So eventually I went to a career counselor and my adviser and have been trying to work some things out. I've gotten to the point where I need to research different careers that interest me. Problem: I'm a busy lady, I'm a tired lady, and I have NO CLUE what I'm interested in anymore!!! I've considered the following: Fashion design, graphic design, interior design, make-up artist/hair stylist, event planner (specifically bridal), florist, elementary teacher, pastry chef. The list goes on and on!! So how exactly am I going to make the right decision? How do I know I won't hate what I'm doing with the rest of my life?! I just keep second guessing myself! I used to know what I liked and what I didn't like, now I'm just a confused mess! I would really appreciate it if someone would just give me a direction to go in and be like okay, this is what you're going to to...because I said so. I'd be like, okay if you say so! I want to work out soooo badly!! Even if it's just for like 30-45 minutes on the elliptical. I just need to do something so I stop gaining so much weight! I used to be comfortable in my own skin. I used to love my body and my curves and everything that made me a woman. But lately I've grown to hate myself, how I look, and how I feel. I don't feel pretty, beautiful, sexy. All of the things that a woman should feel about herself when she looks in the mirror. I used to be so confident, but somehow it's been taken away. Comments that didn't used to phase me sting every single time. Like "You're eating again?!" Or even the slight poke of my love handles sets me into an emotional whirlwind. I've grown to be uncomfortable in my own skin, and it's everything that I wish I could change about how girls and women look at themselves. If I can barely look at myself in the mirror, how do I expect to tell other women that they can be comfortable looking the way that they look? I'm a hypocrite. I don't know what I want, who I want, where I want to be in the future. I don't know who I am anymore. I give up.
xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Little Miss Down On Love

I admit that I've been a Little Miss Down On Love for about 2 years now. I've only had 2 boyfriends over the course of my long long life, but ever since I hit the college scene I've been a single lady. I came into college freshly broken up with, and I was basically a doe-eyed little Bambi!! Oh if I could only remember what it was like to be sooooo naive! I've been burned more than a few times, but by now I've learned to just brush it off. I've also learned to not put myself out there completely and be vulnerable, cause that's just a good way to get hurt. Basically I've shut guys off emotionally. It's going to take someone that REALLY wants me to even get a glimpse of what I've got going on inside this heart. Guys say that girls are complex and hard to figure out, well I've got a newsflash: GUYS ARE FUCKING COMPLEX TOO!!! Well, most guys anyways. There are always going to be the uber-douche guys that you can just read them like a book!! You can tell what's on their mind, what they are going to do and say...so predictable! You can never find a decent, good looking, good hearted guy out there anymore. They are either taken by some girl (that doesn't even deserve them) or they are gay! And this is just my luck, always seems to work out that way! Just going to give a little shout out to all of my gay boys, I love them!! Trust me, I'd much rather hang out with a gay man than most girls. Anyways, the reason I'm so down on love is that I find it hard to find someone that I'm willing to put enough trust in, someone that also wants me back, and someone that is single (Gosh darnet!). I just want to find my tall, rugged, Southern gentleman. If only he wasn't just a daydream that I drift off to every now and then!

xoxo Little Miss Who You Are

Little Miss Who You Are Starts Now!

I tend to be a person that can be truly touched by a song. Give me some good lyrics and I'm bawling my eyes out! So the song that started it all is "Little Miss" by Sugarland. I'm a HUGE country fan, and there are no other songs that can make you feel like country songs.

"Little Miss down on love

Little Miss I give up

Little Miss I'll get tough

don't you worry 'bout me anymore.

Little Miss checkered dress

Little Miss one big mess

Little Miss I'll take less

When I always give so much more.

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

Yeah sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright

It'll be alright again."

These are just a few of the lyrics from the song. I saw Sugarland in concert when they came to the Cities, and was brought to tears by this song. They do this thing called the Little Miss Project and it just brings everyone together. It lets people know that whatever they're going through, someone else is going through the exact same thing and you can get through it. This just shows that if you see someone that looks sad, or isn't having a great day, they could be going through something really rough. I say that just a simple smile can turn a persons day around. Spread the love!!

"I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no, no
Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are."

Another one of my favorite songs is "Who You Are" by Jessie J. It's all about being exactly who you want to be. The ups and downs are all apart of it. It's okay not to be okay. I consider myself a strong, confident woman, who doesn't necessarily need a man by her side to make her happy. I just wish that every woman (or man) could walk around with the confidence and belief in themselves. But enough of my sappy shit (there will be more to come later)!!

xoxo Little Miss Who You Are