Lately I've realized that I need to stop trying to be the person everyone else thinks I should be. All my life I've tried to do the very best, I've tried to accomplish it all, I just wanted to make people proud of me. At the time, these people were my parents, grandparents, family members. To this day, I try to make my parents proud, making decisions and doing things that they can feel proud to tell other people. I was hanging out with my parents and some of my parents friends one night and my mom's friend told me that my mother never has anything bad to say about me. I had mixed feelings about this. In a way, I'm glad that my mom is proud of me, but at the same time I feel like I should have disappointed them at some point. Now if I screw up, it's going to be harder to deal with. Cause I'm the good child, I get good grades, I attend the University of Minnesota, I rarely drink, I work in my spare time, it would be unspeakable for me to do anything out of the ordinary. I'm 20 years old, and I'm still worried about what my parents think about me and what they think I should be doing with my life. I depend on them to reassure me that I'm doing what I should do, that I'm living my life right. Part of me would love to be completely independent of my parents, but another part of me knows that I should lean on them as long as it's possible. One day they will let me go on my own, then I'll be completely in charge, making every decision for myself, but until then I just need to slowly work at gaining my independence. I have a job that I found myself, worked hard at, and eventually got promoted. My parents would prefer that I don't have a job while in school, but the extra money helps and I'm also learning valuable life lessons. I'm a shift supervisor at a Caribou Coffee, I'm learning more and more about independence, doing things on my own and realizing that I can actually do things by myself. That and the fact that I must be doing something right, cause they haven't fired me yet! I love my parents soooo much, and I appreciate everything that they do for me, but it's getting to the point of where I'm going to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. I keep telling my mom that I don't want to be "stuck" here. She didn't like it so much when I used the word stuck. But that's exactly how I feel. If I were to get a job (an actual career) here, or even find someone that I liked, I wouldn't get to travel or live in different places like I plan on doing as of now. I want to move down south, travel the country, heck I'd love to even leave the states for awhile!! Which brings me to the second half of my "setting your own expectations" schpeel.
I am literally scared to death of finding someone that I might actually like, let alone someone that would like me back. I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time, I have absolutely no clue how to even go on a date, or act around guys at all. I've mostly been strung up on my ex. We broke up for obvious reasons, but I keep getting hung up on the "what if" and "what could've been." It's so hard to picture yourself in someones life, in someones future, and then realize that you will never be in that vision at all. We've been playing this game where we won't talk to each other for months, and then we'll start talking again. Then we'll see each other, have a good time, and then go back to not talking. At this point, that is the kind of "relationship" that I can handle. One that doesn't really exist. Although I'm having such a hard time with this idea. The idea that someone can be attracted to me, enjoy my company, but not want anything more than the occasional hang out. It makes me question everything. Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough? Am I not funny enough? Am I not thin enough? Why am I not enough for him to actually want to be with me?! Recently I've come to the conclusion that I can't do this to myself. I am enough. I am more than enough. Hell, he will not find a girl that is a package quite like me: beautiful, smart, talented, bodacious. He is the one that isn't willing to realize his feelings, and he is the one that is willing to let me just walk out the door every single time. If he is stupid enough to let me go, then I have to be smart enough not to go back. I will find Mr. Right someday, but when that day comes, I'm not going to be worrying about being enough for him. I'm just gonna focus on being myself, and just letting myself laugh, love and live!
You have to learn to love yourself before anyone can learn to love you. You can't go around living life on someone elses expectations. You have to set your own goals, and figure out what exactly you're wanting out of life. Right now I'm not worrying about anyone else besides myself. Yes, might be a little selfish, but I can't help other people until I help myself. Once I get my stuff figured out, then I can go around sharing the love and joy that is inside me. :) Just remember, you ARE enough. Even when you don't think so, I KNOW so.
Xoxo Little Miss Who You Are
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